It's almost 10am on Saturday, December the 18th and, although I've been thinking about this for far too long, I'm going to throw my "wish" out into the world of web-dom in hope it finds the necessary momentum to make its way back to me and my family.
One year ago, and it will be a year exactly tomorrow, I had to confess to my wife of just over a year that I was so far in debt (without her knowledge) I had no option other than bankruptcy. I kept it from her the whole time we were dating...through our engagement...and I even stood up on an altar in front of almost 200 of our family and friends and LIED right to her face in the face of God. Crazy eh? Who the hell did I think I was to put a woman who sacrificed her future in order to provide me with one!??? I just read an entry I wrote in my daytimer last year, on this exact Saturday as I was leaving for work, and my wife told me our wedding day was the best day of her life. I remember driving down the highway after that tear-filled conversation feeling totally unworthy of her love and deserving of a fatal car crash. The crash didn't happer but I die a little more inside each and every time we have to deal with my infidelity of trust and love.
I should explain why I allowed myself to get into such dire financial circumstances.
I believed I could "will" myself to win a lottery.
Yes...you read that right. I believed I could "will" myself to win a lottery. I have been working towards that goal (if you can call it that) for close to fifteen years and I still cannot give up on the dream because I want to share my story with the world - in an attempt to explain what NOT to do!
But, in my heart of hearts, and even to this very day, I DO BELIEVE I AM GOING TO WIN A LOTTERY and thus get my wife and I out of our present financial constraints.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not looking to retire at the age of 42 and never work again while living the life of Riley travelling the world and abusing prosperity. I know WHEN it finally happens will only be the beginning of sharing my story of heartache and hope. So that is why, for whatever reason this very morning, I find myself unabashedly writing out my wish for the cosmos to hear and bring back to me with the help of angels and the power of my sub-conscious thoughts. It is said thoughts that brought me to this journey and yet it is my inner-critic who bullies them at every turn forcing them to stay away to avoid further ridicule and abuse.
Well...no longer. I can't. There is no time left to hope for the "someday" possibility. I have believed all the 'great' thinkers in their suggestions like "Whether you think you can or you can't, you're absolutely right" (Henry Ford) and "God doesn't bring you to it if you can't get through it" (not sure), but it's time to find my Christmas Miracle.
I have to stop being afraid of the power I have within me to create an impossibility. At some point almost everything was viewed impossible until it was accomplished. But to bring things back to present reality...
My car lease is coming due on January the 6th and I have NO money in which to get a new - used one. I was hoping to borrow funds against my life insurance policy but my bankruptcy agent just advised against it for a multitude of reasons. I've been waiting on her response all week and just found her email from last Tuesday this morning when I was cleaning out my inbox. In essence, I'm screwed and have no alternative to get enough money in my hands in the next two weeks.
I put my wife through hell a couple nights ago when I disguised my disgust for my persistent financial situation with a story of being fed up with school and the possibility of employment upon graduation in April. Sure, I was rundown and had a touch of the flu, but I was childish in not admitting my worries and then retiring upstairs to cry myself to sleep like a little baby.
And I'm not going to tell her about the email I found this morning until after the weekend. She doesn't need the added stress of the season AND I am pleading to the powers that be to find my wish and bring it home to me. Everyone I told about said dream last year upon admitting the bankruptcy reality was in disbelief at my utter belief. And I understand that. I truly do.
BUT!...there is a reason I have stayed true to my desire and it will all make sense WHEN my number-s are called.
SO!...moving on from the past and into the future...WHAT DO I WANT???
I want to win the lottery. "In a perfect world", I would find out about my dream coming true this coming Monday, December the 20th and therefore be able to share the delight with family and friends on Christmas day. How ironic would it be that exactly one year to the day I told my wife I had been lying to her and was in debt over my head, I realize the dream that put me there!!!???
Again...my dream and wish is to win the lottery this weekend and make Christmas 2010 the turning point in a long and arduous journey. I will share both the proceeds and the particulars of a mostly lonely process in hopes of helping others realize their potential from within.
My challenge is going to be warding of that damn inner-critic who will become louder as the feelings of euphoria rise to reach the frequency necessary to guide my wish back to my reality. It's been a long time coming - far too long - but "Everything happens for a reason" and I will understand that more and more as this plays out.
I found this in the hundreds of emails this morning too:
"You have a calling which exists only for you and which only you can fulfill."
- Dr. Naomi Stephan
This is defintiely mine. This is the extended version of the first leg of this part of my journey.
I am the winner of the lottery this weekend.
I am the winner of the lottery this weekend.
I am the winner of the lottery this weekend.
I am the winner of the lottery this weekend.
I am the winner of the lottery this weekend.
And now I will continue with what will be a beautiful weekend in anticipation of my realizing a dream I will not let go away.
And I think it's funny that I will hit Publish Post at 10:44am.
...but that's another story for later.
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